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Venting about my overthinking
May. 15th, 2020 02:58 amI am not patient with the things I need.
My head is never clear, my mind and this time is really no different.
Sex felt painful, last might've been the worst. The nausea was painful, and the pressure in my pelvic area feels too strange. It feels like if I don't wake up and eat right away then the nausea gets worse. The headaches never stop, the pounding doesn't disappear and it's been happening for a while. Tylenol only works for so long.
It's been three days since I went to the clinic. My IUD couldn't be seen or felt, bloodwork and a urine test needed to be done. Second poke worked. It was a lot easier to pee in a cup considering I feel like I need to pee every hour or so now. Sometimes under that.
I've yet to get a call from them, and my ultrasound is at the end of next week. I feel like my peace of mind is gone, either I'm in pain or worrying that there's something inside of me. At first I was more worried that maybe my IUD moved somewhere where it shouldn't be-I'm still worried about perforation but ever since the doctor mentioned pregnancy as a possibility I can't get rid of the thought.
Even if it comes back negative, this scare has gotten me so confused.
My judgement to not have kids comes from avoiding possible guilt and fear.
When my cousin's daughter was born I really teared up holding her tiny body swaddled in the blanket. Babies are adorable. I love living for things other than myself.. my pets, my boyfriend. It's borderline not healthy but it keeps me going knowing I have to be there for them. Sometimes I wonder how I'd be alone-I never got that far in developing my independence because I love being loved unconditionally. Thinking about a baby depending on me, and loving me unconditionally makes me very unsure that I don't want to be pregnant. Do I not want my body to change? Do I not want my belly to grow bigger to create room for a new one? Do I really not want a mini me? Do I really not want to create a little warrior?
I can't tell whether I hope the results are negative or not anymore. I can't hope that it's positive, it wouldn't be fair. My boyfriend always made it clear creating a child is never part of the plan. As did I. It's driving me crazy now that I'm having a more intense scare that my opinions might be changing. I've created so many unrealistic scenarios in my head these past few days.
I'm so scared. If I turn out to just be over-dramatic, I don't think these ideas will be going away. I have problems either way.
Let's see how this goes..
My head is never clear, my mind and this time is really no different.
Sex felt painful, last might've been the worst. The nausea was painful, and the pressure in my pelvic area feels too strange. It feels like if I don't wake up and eat right away then the nausea gets worse. The headaches never stop, the pounding doesn't disappear and it's been happening for a while. Tylenol only works for so long.
It's been three days since I went to the clinic. My IUD couldn't be seen or felt, bloodwork and a urine test needed to be done. Second poke worked. It was a lot easier to pee in a cup considering I feel like I need to pee every hour or so now. Sometimes under that.
I've yet to get a call from them, and my ultrasound is at the end of next week. I feel like my peace of mind is gone, either I'm in pain or worrying that there's something inside of me. At first I was more worried that maybe my IUD moved somewhere where it shouldn't be-I'm still worried about perforation but ever since the doctor mentioned pregnancy as a possibility I can't get rid of the thought.
Even if it comes back negative, this scare has gotten me so confused.
My judgement to not have kids comes from avoiding possible guilt and fear.
When my cousin's daughter was born I really teared up holding her tiny body swaddled in the blanket. Babies are adorable. I love living for things other than myself.. my pets, my boyfriend. It's borderline not healthy but it keeps me going knowing I have to be there for them. Sometimes I wonder how I'd be alone-I never got that far in developing my independence because I love being loved unconditionally. Thinking about a baby depending on me, and loving me unconditionally makes me very unsure that I don't want to be pregnant. Do I not want my body to change? Do I not want my belly to grow bigger to create room for a new one? Do I really not want a mini me? Do I really not want to create a little warrior?
I can't tell whether I hope the results are negative or not anymore. I can't hope that it's positive, it wouldn't be fair. My boyfriend always made it clear creating a child is never part of the plan. As did I. It's driving me crazy now that I'm having a more intense scare that my opinions might be changing. I've created so many unrealistic scenarios in my head these past few days.
I'm so scared. If I turn out to just be over-dramatic, I don't think these ideas will be going away. I have problems either way.
Let's see how this goes..
